Hello again

I’m back!

My vacation was exhausting. I don’t think we go on vacations to rest, we do it to get away from our routine. that’s why it’s so tiring, New things make us tired.

Human beings are adaptable, but it’s not easy. After a week or so your body just wants to go home and sleep in your own bed.

My vacation was not one of those eye opening soul discovery ones. I was surrounded by various members of my family almost he entire time, jammed into a small car not meant to carry so much stuff, and on the road for 2 hours on a short day and 5-8 hours on a regular day.

But it did surprise me how, when I finally had a few hours to myself, and I settled down, I felt much clearer about what I needed to do.

In my life there’s so much noise, but what getting away from it made me realize that noise isn’t something that you ecape by switching location.

I went from a Suburban  area in a west coast state to the empty wilderness of Wyoming, Montana, and Utah. Hiking over mountains, driving through Yellowstone, and staying in towns of less than 2,000 people, which is unheard of where I live. As someone aware of how hard it can be to support a small business when you advertise to thousands of people, I wonder how motels in these tiny towns stay afloat, I guess the cost of living is less. Plus people might work a few different jobs.

Anyway, I always thought of myself as someone who liked quieter areas, but I realized I don’t. I like nature, but I feel out of place in rural country. It reminds me of one of the essays I read for English class “The Trouble with Wilderness.” The real wilderness left in this country is between the cities, it’s not even really our national parks. It’s the places no one goes to except wild horses. It’s the undergrowth that keeps animals out of sight form the road.

The truth is, wilderness is only something you find off the beaten (or paved) path. My sister and I got close to it driving a quad over a desert area. But even so, that’s not quite it. And I got to visit some dinosaur tracks, which I’m a big fan of, there were some paw prints there too, probably from a more recent animal. Still, that’s not really wilderness.

Wilderness is something you find when it’s just you alone with God and with nature.

Civilization is really just what you call it when two people meet and settle down. Why else does marriage represent civilization not just in the Bible, but in many religions and stories?

I don’t think it’s impossible for a couple to experience wilderness together, but when it comes to being in it even when you’re not out in nature, you need to be alone.

Capturing that feeling of wildness is something we can only do when we’re either by ourselves, or with someone else who has felt it and understands it.

The feeling you get when you’re out in the wind, or when you gaze at a sunset, or look at the mountains. When you feel really alone, but not lonely. That’s being wild. Because in those moments you dare to dream anything and you believe in anything.

It’s no surprise really that folks who live surrounded by nature used to come up with stories about fairies and elves and sprites, something about it makes you believe in what you can’t see.

After all Romans does say that the invisible attributes of God are plain to us because of nature.

The real reason science isn’t enough to produce faith isn’t that science disproves God, but that sciences deals with what our eyes see, while faith deals with the unseen world, because that’s where the spiritual, the most important part of life, takes place.

I realized that finding peace and quiet in my life isn’t something I can do by eliminating city noises till all I hear are crickets and grasshoppers. (Some of them in Wyoming make this weird popping sound that you wouldn’t think a bug that size could so without snapping itself in half.) It’s something I have to be willing to seek out.

Peace is about letting stuff go and focusing on God, or even just on another person in your life. Without the TV and the radio in the background.

And being willing to be by yourself for awhile. I actually had gotten out of practice, but when I chose to keep being alone, I felt it cleared my head.

So my exhortation to all of you is to take some time today and find that.

Until next time–Natasha.

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Shell Waterfall in Wyoming.


I pick an awkward subject as a final post before vacation.

Hellos everyone, sorry for my long delay, I have had some writer’s block lately. Once I got out of school I felt like I just wanted to chill around my house doing nothing very important.

But I’m leaving for vacation today so I guess that’s not going to be an option anymore. I’ll be gone nearly two weeks and won’t be able to post. So I want to make this one count.

And with that in mind let’s talk about something awkward.

I’ve been watching videos by this youtuber who’s a professing bisexual. Which normally I’d stay far away from but my sister convinced me to give him a shot.

I don’t hate non-straight people, but it’s uncomfortable to be around someone with a lifestyle that you feel is wrong in may ways. Though I guess to a Christian, anyone else’s lifestyle is wrong.

Which maybe explains why I feel uncomfortable around unbelievers in general.

This kind of awkwardness has been pegged as just being too out there to handle other people’s difference by those who dislike Christians. Some think we’re just too close minded and immature to tolerate other points of view.

But intolerance is not always a sign of immaturity. You’d not tolerate fleas on your skin or even on your dog, and it’d hardly be mature if you did.

People who go through life believing our goal should be to harm no living thing aren’t really being realistic. The world is set up for us to have to fight and overcome obstacles form bugs to bureaucrats. Things get hurt in the process, I wish it was always the bad things.

That said, the alternative sexual sub culture is still something I am not sure how to deal with. I can’t avoid it at my school, or in my state. And when I meet those people I’m generally surprised by how normal they seem until I know.

This you-tuber is actually a brilliant, talented fellow, who seems to be struggling with his sexuality and his frustration with being lonely.

Yet he came to a surprisingly mature frame of mind in one video, and I was puzzled.

This may have changed my perspective on homosexuality or bisexuality. Don’t get me wrong, Is till believe it’s a sin.

And I still find it repulsive.

But if I’m honest, it’s not like I’ve never felt the temptation. I’m starting to think there are probably few people who haven’t.

It’s actually normal for young teens to have what seems like homosexual feelings when puberty is first beginning. Your body can be confused for whatever reason. Then it changes. I’m not a young teen anymore, but I had that problem.

And I was totally embarrassed about it. And nowadays, in this society I think people are even more embarrassed because we don’t want to be told to embrace it and be gay.

How does a christian youth deal with feelings like that? Or how does anyone who wishes to be normal deal with those feelings?

Some have chosen to accept what’s popular now and just be gay…to my surprise this doesn’t always mean an actual sexual lifestyle, but just that they identify that way and think it fits them. I think the appeal here is simply to cease the struggle. Only it doesn’t work.

And I’ve been tempted to make that agreement plenty.

The Bible terms homosexuality as a strong delusion. Which means it’s extremely hard to realize it’s a delusion. The person in that is so blind that they don’t even think of it as sin, and in biblical times it was even more of a problem then it is now.

As much as the publicly gay propaganda annoys me, I’m realizing that the regular people who struggle with that problem don’t necessarily want applause (and thanks Hollywood for yet again making the situation worse than it already was) they just want to feel normal.

I think that’s where the torture comes in, and as much as they try to accept not being normal, I can’t help but think it’s just not going to happen.

Because homosexuality is not normal, biologically and spiritually speaking.

But I did notice something in the Bible that might shed some light on this subject. In the Bible God speaks of the Church as his bride, meaning men and women, and King David spoke of God as delighting in him and pursuing him.

Does that mean (and there are sects of Christians who will say it does) that God is okay with homosexuality.

No, I think you’d have to throw out Romans and Corinthians to believe that. And some of them do, but I don’t.

What this means is that God has placed the desire to be romanced in men as well as women. It’s actually a human quality. And a Divine one too, since God loves to be adored.

I feel bad that personality traits such as creative expression have been pegged as feminine or gay for such a long time. It’s not gay to like things that are considered girly, since all of those things were once considered manly anyway.

Men used to have the market on creativity. I think it would be stupid to say all those artists composer, poets, and actors were gay. Many of them were quite the opposite to an unfortunate level.

The secular world is right about one thing, people who choose the gay lifestyle do have repressed feelings. But I don’t believe at the core those feelings are sexual.

Boys who decide they have gay tendencies may feel that way for many reasons but I  think one can be that they don’t feel it’s okay to have more tender, mushy feelings.

I never found those kinds of men to be unmasculine just because they had softer sides, but I guess that’s not how a lot of people grew up seeing it.

Honestly, even homosexual men still have that innate desire to save people, to be the hero. Oddly enough, this may be evidence even in how some of them now flaunt it publicly to get praise. Supposedly that desire is supposed to be masculine.

But here’s the thing, I’m a woman. And I admit, I find other women attractive. Girls actually feel threatened by each other because they can see each other’s charms, sometimes more than men can honestly. But I would not ever want to marry a woman. It would be like marrying myself and who wants that.

As a woman I do like the thought of being rescued, often more than I’ll admit to myself. But I also really like the thought of saving people.

Both men and woman like to feel that their spouse has got their back and would rescue them if they were ever in danger.

The difference is a man might blame himself if he is unable to save his wife from some things beyond his control.

I think homosexuality has appeal because it takes less work than heterosexuality. There’s less homosexuals out there, so dating can be prolonged and avoided, and maybe the truth is they don’t always really want to date that badly. They just don’t want to be alone. Gay people tend to have a lot of platonic friends of both genders. But full commitment… how often does it happen?

Also when your’e the same gender there’s not that annoying gender clash problem. Which is hard to deal with, though in the the end worth it.

I’ll always prefer some things about girls to guys. Like how they aren’t always as rude. But if I had not guys in my life, it would be boring, and predictable.

In the end I think that a lot of sexual confusion is going around period. Even I’m not immune to it, though I wish I was. I struggle with wondering if I have perverted desires. And why I’m admitting this on the public internet is because I know that’s everyone. I doubt anyone has not felt slimed by the corruption going around, and event hose who have sexual mores I think are wrong can be disgusted by how much sexual sin is flaunted.

I guess I’m coming to see homosexuality as not the worse inescapable sin that ever existed. It’s pretty bad, but the people who commit it aren’t always bad through and through. They still have God given gifts.

I do still believe no one can ever be truly happy or satisfied who is living in sin. But I guess it doesn’t mean that they’ve abandoned all their good qualities. And I still blame the media a lot for my overly negative perceptions of homosexuals.

The sin is terrible, but the sinner can be a mixed and mixed up bag. That’s what I’m trying to say.

I don’t have the solution yet. I know God can deliver people even of strong delusion. But what I don’t know is how Christians can help yet. I think I lack the experience. But I’m hoping my attempt at getting a clearer perspective on it will help me at least. I still believe that I owe even homosexuals unconditional Christlike love, just because they are still human beings.

And for the record, if someone reading this views them as the spawn of Satan or something like that, remember that all sin is repulsive and we are all sinners. It would be nice if we could say they were worse, but sometimes a person can have one fatal flaw and in all other respects be overall better than us. WE all have something that rips us up and U think compassion with wisdom is a better path to take.

I’ll never change my mind about it being a sin. But maybe I’ll learn to  deal with it the way Jesus would.

Until next time–Natasha.