Okay, last couple but first, I hit 1,000 likes on this blog! (Cue trumpets and streamers).
Thank you all so much for coming around and reading my stuff, I never knew if this was going to work out, and after about 4 years, it’s been a really fun journey of finding my writing style and interests. If I went back, I could trace kind of how I grew up through this, I started it when I was 16, and I’m 21 now. That’s an important chunk of my life and this is like a documentation of what I was into and learning all that time.
Okay, now that I’ve acknowledged that, let’s get back to the show:
My favorite couple was Jamie and Doug, mostly because I freaking called it, but also because Doug was just this gem of a person, and he was actually funny. No joke, he did stand up comedy as a hobby, and his down to earth approach to the whole experiment just gave it legitimacy.
If everyone who tried it had Doug’s attitude, it might be a good idea to do.
Jamie was a basket case, but no more so than I am, or anyone else who’s had a hard childhood and been left to deal with it was best as they could.
I did like that Jamie admitted her issues, and worked to overcome them. The whole thing was a trial by fire for her, she had problems with trust, and committing and feeling safe, getting married was like the “kill or cure” method for her, much like for Jason.
but Jamie was humble enough to admit she got herself into this and she needed to give it her best shot. Also, I would have been psyched out by the pressure too, so I couldn’t’ really judge her for crying and panicking, I’ve had those moments.
Like Jamie, when I’ve put a lot of thought and effort into something, I can break down when it suddenly grew from an idea to a reality. As a teen I was sometimes shy, and anxious about being away from home. I’d go to Church camp, or on a mission trip, and some break down would inevitably follow, because I bottle my emotions up and don’t ask for help till I’m so overwhelmed I get physically sick.
I’ve worked on that lately, but I sometimes still wake up and have gagging episodes of stress induced reactions. (Also allergies and environment contribute).
Or I get really drained emotionally because when I feel things, I feel them keenly. I think it’s an empath thing.
Anyway, Jamie’s reaction was too real for me because of all that, but Doug was the kind of person who would have made me feel better. Calm, not taking it personally, funny, and patient.
See, the breakdown is kind of an unintentional self-sabotage. You believe you can’t do something, so you go into panic mode to get other people to come to the same conclusion, you think they will. When someone believes in you regardless, and encourages you, it’s a bonding moment.
Like Jamie, I have trust issues and have had to pull myself together so much, I don’t really know when to let someone else help me. By the time I realize I need help, I’m really worked up.
So, again, this show was kind of enlightening, maybe the reason I am this way is like her, it’s my response to the past. Like her, I also know I am this way and want to work at it, but my own weakness trip me up.
Doug was great, he deserves respect for how much he put up with, and he didn’t grudge her for needing time. Jamie herself alter regretted being quite so challenging, but we all know, she almost couldn’t help it, she was fighting her demons as hard as she could, and she went along with the counselors advice even though she admitted she wouldn’t have been comfortable doing it if it was just up to her.
her guts to do it regardless matched up with Doug’s willingness to put in the work. They were the best match. I wondered why the experts seemed to doubt it would work out. It might just have been to create tension, bu they thought Jamie might be too mistrusting.
It’s rough because she really was struggling, but you could tell Jamie is an overcomer. She works on her flaws. It’s not always a pretty picture to do so, but life isn’t always picture perfect.
And that’s why I think maybe we can learn the most form their example.
Even assuming you find someone who is not abusive, not selfish, and not a quitter, you have to make it work. It won’t work for you by itself.
Doug expressed his attitude that it was too much to expect it to go perfectly. he hoped for the best, but he was going to give it his best try even if it wasn’t what he wanted. Jamie did end up being what he wanted, and he put work into it. Jamie kept pulling back, and then trying again, it was a long process. It almost ended when Doug lied to her.
But Doug showed way more maturity than Vaughn did, in that he took responsibility, did not justify his actions, admitted he was still working on it, but then said it really wasn’t important enough to toss the whole thing out over.
and yeah, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Jamie was hurt by Doug, certainly.
The people close to you can and will hurt you, deeply, where it counts.
It’s not even because they are flawed, though that’s part of it, it’s because people are easily hurt. We misunderstand each other, often without meaning to we base our assessments of each other on assumptions.
I have friends who have triggered my abandonment issues by doing things that aren’t really that bad, maybe aren’t bad at all, but any little lack of engagement can make me feel like they are losing interest in me.
Well, I had a dad who told me he would give up on trying with me multiple times, till I could predict when he would say it. I realized it was cowardice after awhile, but also the message that I was not worth enough to him to push past his own insecurities was hammered in.
And that, by the way, is very painful.
Cinema has a habit of making insecurities and backstory justify everything, as I mentioned in the last post. But they don’t.
I know because the people who succeed most as what really matters, they do it because they push past their insecurity.
If you know you are insecure, and you let that define your life. You don’t risk love because you know you tend to mess it up, you don’t risk trying to win because you know you will fear failing, then you are giving in. You let the darkness win. End of story.
It will always be the end, until you yourself decide you’ve had enough of unhappiness.
In my life, about a year into being a Christian, God presented me with the challenge of choosing to heal, to lean into His love, and not let people define what I could do.
I am still living that out today. My life is far from my dream version of what I want. But, in 8 years, not everything you want will happen.
The point is, even if I’m still waiting for some things, I have changed.
I choose to love people even though I not only know to expect hurt, I actually can predict exactly how it will come. Being an empath, I can gauge what people feel about me, and if they are really concerned about me, or themselves.
It made my past more hurtful, because I stopped being able to lie to myself about my dad. I knew he didn’t love me, I knew even, that he hated me.
Yet, I did not stop loving him. I still do.
I don’t love my dad because I get something gout of it. At this stage, it is doubtful I ever will get a thing out of it. But he is my dad, he’s a person, and I can understand him, even if I don’t look up to him.
I would want to be loved despite my flaws. Jamie and Doug’s story hit me about where it counts the most.
Before marriage, you may know the person, but you won’t really, truly know them, know what sets them off, what they fear most, what they hate, until yo live with them nonstop.
You can go into it with the attitude that they’ll help you fix all your problems and won’t ever have any of their own that aren’t minor.
Or, you can do what Doug did, and realize that no one is perfect, everyone has a past.
Doug didn’t judge, he just accept Jamie and her family as what they were. Warts and all, as the saying goes.
His outlook was that he could not be disappointed, if he didn’t put unrealistic expectations on her. He was hurt a little, but he didn’t go into a tailspin when it didn’t go the way he wanted, because he knew it wasn’t all up to him.
He knew also that Jamie was dealing with past memories and he couldn’t expect her to not react based on that sometimes, but he had to be responsible for himself.
I don’t think he’d put all this into words, it was just in his actions and manner.
And hey, guys, that’s all it has to be. Don’t worry about trying to say all this stuff. Just do it, and the girl will get it eventually, if she’s Miss Right.
But this can just as easily be a Man thing too.
Women have a harder task in marriage often because men will resist help even more than we will. Men get told that’s normal. Jason and Cortney kind of ran into that problem.
But, when God made Marriage, it was actually the needs of the Man he was considering. Eve was made for Adam to solve the problem of loneliness, to give him his other half, because as our modern lingo has put it “I can’t do life without you.”
Adam really couldn’t do life without Eve, plain and simple.
And men, if you’re reading this, this is great news for you. It validates the fact that you have needs, just as much as women do, and in fact, God designed companionship with that idea in mind.
It’s like Women know this more because we are made to be the answer to the problem. I mean, you’d better know what problem you’re supposed to be helping, right?
So, if the first man himself, even before sin, needed a woman, then every married couple should know that the man need his wife’s support just as much as she needs his.
(It’s kind of telling that it took God to point this out even in the first story, though. Men still don’t always get it. Until they see it.)
So, ladies, don’t think your man doesn’t need you to be patient, caring, and not take things personally with him either.
And personally, I am expecting my husband to need that. In fact, I expect him to probably have less of an idea why he needs it than I do. Again, women tend to know more about this. I’m okay with him not getting it right away as long as he know sits important, and thank God women are naturally more patient then men, usually.
See, it makes a kind of sense doesn’t it?
Anyway, I think the real difference can be most women will not just be supportive silently, like men are, they will explain it. But there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you don’t over do it.
Jason and Cortney also demonstrated this, Cortney was far more verbal about helping Jason, but Jason still did it, he just didn’t talk through it as much.
And we need both the words and the deeds, sometimes women don’t need to explain it either, other times men need to be able to explain it.
Doug and Jamie illustrate why, actually.
Now that we have a fallen world, misunderstanding is not likely, it’s guaranteed. I don’t care how in sync you are, you’ll misread each other.
Case in point, my sisters and I can guess what the others are going to say, we talk in unison all the time, some people think we’re twins (we are all at least a couple years apart and it’s weird.) Plus, I’m an empath and can read their emotions really well. And we still have miscommunications almost daily over dumb stuff. We have almost all the same opinions on things, and yet we still step on each other’s toes. And we’re all girls.
So, you can bet two people of the opposite sex who have not grown up in the same house are going to the same thing, probably way more often than we do.
It’s okay, just accept it and don’t let it get to you. I think more couples need to hear that advice.
Anyway, in summary, Jamie and Doug just basically showed how to be married, not just how to date, and be a friend. Marriage means sharing all your problems, event he ones you can’t help each other with, but you still need to talk about, just so you know it.
Glad they stayed together and got their own spin off show. Which I may watch if I can.
And so, that was my experience of Married at First Sight. Did I surprise you with what I took out of it? What I didn’t like?
My thoughts on the experiment are that they got lucky, because they missed something that the two couple who succeeded demonstrated.
You just can’t plan for this one thing: Drive.
If people choose to make it work, they can make almost anything work. If they don’t try, then no matter how compatible they are, it won’t work.
Monet and Vaughn were the most compatible by the test scores, but Vaughn didn’t know how to live with anyone.
The other two couples got that they had to make it a success, no one else could do it for them.
So, they did. Because both people were on the same page.
Marry someone you know will work at it, that’s my takeaway.
And no test can predict that. It’s a choice moment by moment, and it can be undone at any time, the person has to daily decide to do it.
So, no, I’m not about to let scientists choose my husband, but it’s also not really worse than choosing one without asking any of the real questions. It’s not invalid, it’s just risky. Better to know yourself what you should look for in a spouse.
Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.
Can check out my other writing on Amazon and Wattpad 🙂