Well, it’s been one of those days…weeks…months…
I am still feeling very sick, I’ve barely eaten since Friday, and I am sore from my chiropractic appointment that was supposed to help, but has made my entire body feel inflamed (I got worked all over, like bread dough).
I don’t know where my miracle is, it’s starting to feel ludicrous to even expect one.
Of course, I don’t want to write a post just to gripe, or I’d review a movie or show I don’t like 😉
But I’m being honest, that is my theme, right?
You know it was 4 years ago when I started this modest blog and picked that name out, at the time I was interested a lot in the Ezekiel 37 story, some of you who read my homepage probably know that already.
I was as arrogant as most young authors when I started writing this, I thought I’d write these profound posts and people would comment on them, and be like “wow, that’s so deep.”
I planned to write mostly ideas, observations, theology, etc.
But pretty much no one who blogs can avoid the self-reflective posts forever, if they can, I’m amazed at their self control, or else I pity them because they must fear being exposed.
When I did write about myself, I only presented my best parts, even up till this year. I didn’t lie, or anything, or try intentionally to put on a facade, I just saw no value in telling people about my problems and struggles, who wants to read that?
But I started doing it as a way to stay accountable, and then I began reading other people’s blogs where they shared their issues, and I found it encouraging myself.
I never intended for this to become a Recovery Blog, and while it still isn’t only about that, it strikes me as interesting.
I got to thinking about why I named my blog drybonestruth again partly because one of my pastors preached a sermon on Sunday about our dry bones needing to be brought to life. And it resonated with me because with these physical struggles, I’ve literally told my mom “I feel like I’m dying.”
That’s how the emotional struggles felt too, like a part of me was just dead. I didn’t think Christians could or should feel that way, we’re reborn after all.
But I was thinking this week, Paul actually wrote that we are perishing daily
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So then death is working in us, but life in you.
13 And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak…
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-18)
And upon rereading Ezekiel 37, I noticed something else
” Then He said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They indeed say, ‘Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off!’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel. 13 Then you shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. 14 I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it,” says the Lord.’ ” (11-14)
If both these passages are any indication, feeling more dead than alive is not that unusual for a believer. God can raise the dead, but it’s more usual to see Him use that as an example, instead of just healing and freedom, which is what caught my attention.
Why the name drybonestruth still applies is that, honestly, if I can’t tell the truth about myself, how can I tell it about anything else. It’s always hardest to be honest about yourself.
And I don’t just mean griping about my problems, many people do that, it’s no more honest than anything else, often they just blame everyone but themselves.
Me? I tend to blame others because I expect them to blame me, people usually do. I look for an accusation before I even hear one.
I’ve blamed myself for the crappy way I’ve been feeling, but some of it I was born with, some of it was injuries, some of it is likely genetic, and some of it is beyond my ability to really trace the root cause of. I can blame everybody and everything, I can blame me, but it won’t heal me any faster.
My sister pointed out to me, that as bad as this is, it’s good that it happened when I wasn’t working, or needing to provide for myself financially to pay for all this, or when I had kids, or tried to have kids.
And she’s right, I have 3 or 4 people taking care of me, plus doctors and a very nice chiropracter hwo goes half an hour overtime and doesn’t charge for it.
I feel like an ungrateful (insert curse word I can’t say) when I still want to whine and throw a tantrum about how it’s all not enough. There’s plenty of people who go through stuff like this alone.
And I wonder if people are right when they say bloggers are narcissistic.
I think, I didn’t use to be this way, I used to be able to think of other people.
But, if I was honest, I’d admit that’s not true. I’ve always focused on myself, my inner turmoil, angst, happiness, etc.
It’s not necessarily that I am unusually selfish, it’s kind of how I’m built, to be reflective, I can be selfish because of it, but I can also be hard on myself for not being kinder.
And I do write about things other than me, surprisingly, people tend to like personal blogs better. They like getting a peek into someone else’s life.
I started following Umai Yomu’s blog a while back, because I liked reading about their experiences in Japan, I don’t read the reviews (because I don’t watch any of the anime and couldn’t follow the points) much, but I like the personal stuff (Link here: .https://umaiyomu.wordpress.com)
I don’t know if God is trying to change that I’m reflective, but He may be trying to change how I handle being ill.
While I complain too much, I don’t complain as often as I used to. I don’t get down as often, though I get down plenty. I am more proactive than I used to be.
And if that’s not enough…then I just need to accept that I don’t have to do everything. God is the one who heals.
The longer I study anything related to health, the more I think that’s true from anything to scrapes and cuts, to cancer. Any little injury can be bad, even a bump on the head, and cancer can be cured. Who lives, who dies, it’s really got to be in the hands of some Divine Judge, medicine really can’t explain it.
I don’t believe I am going to die. I don’t know when I’ll feel better. Could be today, tomorrow, or next week. I am exhausted, that’s no lie.
This morning, after feeling bad, I just started playing worship music, because I had nothing else to do, there was nothing else to do.
When everything is a mess, all you can do is worship. Because, to start lashing out at God would cut off my last shred of comfort.
It may not seem that comforting, when I don’t feel any better, but at least I have a hope, a promise that I will, eventually, recover. This can’t last forever.
I miss eating. But the bible says “Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that precedes from the mouth of God.”
Despite not eating more than maybe one decent sized meal a day for at least 5 days, and not as much as usual before that, I have not fainted, or been unable to focus on schoolwork. While that’s not a whole lot of comfort, at least it’s a good sign.
Whether I eat, whether I don’t, I know God can sustain me.
Which, is not me trying to say I will just not eat. I’m still trying to do that, I’m not going to be anorexic on purpose… it’s just me accepting not everything is in my control, including my stomach.
My chiropractor did something called “body sculpting” on me, which means he’s literally changing the shape of my body to be aligned right. It was all wrong.
I have a beautiful, strong body in many ways, it just doesn’t work like it should.
I would not recommend body sculpting to the faint of heart, it hurts, it’s tiring, and you’re really sore the day afterward.
I understan the verse about “The potter and the clay” in a whole new way now.
Like Paul wrote, we’re earthen vessels, just clay, easily broken, but with many uses. Holding everything from refuse to precious perfumes and spices.
And I feel how fragile I am right now. I’ve been so angry with myself, and my body, but I am starting to blame it less. It can’t help it, after all.
I feel sad, frustrated, scared… but I’m less angry.
I want God to heal me, but I can’t make God heal me. Like Job, I can only get an answer when God chooses to give it, I pray that like Job, my health will be doubly restored, for I wasn’t as well off before as I’d like to be in the future.
Recovery itself can cause pain, sickness, and other discomfort. So, who’s to say, maybe feeling terrible today is a good thing… sort of.
And no, I’m not a saint. I don’t feel like this most of the time, this is me trying to raise myself up to think differently. Half the battle is in the mind, right?
And with that, I think I’ll close this post. I hope something in this made sense and was encouraging to you, I’m sure I’ll write something less depressing soon, I have some ideas.
Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.