New Kitten

So, I got a new kitten last month.

Yeah, I can’t believe I didn’t post about it sooner, but I was writing so much for other projects. Yeesh.

BTW, I now have a fanfiction on Wattpad that’s hit 1.9k views!

Yeah it just blew up since March. I will link it here if you want to check it out. https://www.wattpad.com/user/worldwalkerdj

Anyway, my new black cat is name after not one, but two anime characters “For the memes” I told my family. (Inside joke)

I named her Saucy K. Panther Lily (the K was my sister’s addition.)

If you don’t get it…you don’t watch a lot of anime.

It’s a bit corny I know, but you get all these instant jokes out of it, and in my family, if you can’t make a joke out of a name for something, it’s just not worth it. We like to laugh.

Anyway, I thought why not write about what it’s like to be a first time cat-mama.

And no, I’m not just lonely.

Okay, yes I am.

Really though, I don’t get the whole cat lady stigma. Cats are awesome, I’d have a few even if I had kids. My grandma used to have like 10 or more at any given time when my mom was growing up, and she had kids.

Sure, it’s weird to not have friends unless they are cats, but I’ve got friends.

So with that unnecessary defense out of the way, let me go on.

I’ll tell y’all, I didn’t realize that your brain change when you become a parent–I mean, I knew it did for humans because of hormones, but it turns out, just owning something that’s alive at all can change how you think.

I love our other cats, but they aren’t mine, they’re the family’s, and so we all take care of them, but my Mom mainly pays for them.

Now taking on that responsibility myself, I have to think about what I can afford, and what’s best for a two months old cat.

I have to make sure she doesn’t get eaten by the dog…yeah, I acutely had a nightmare about that, but I partially blame my mom for putting the idea into my head.

Actually, the dog’s not really hostile to cats, oddly enough. But it’s a big dog, and she’s still a little cat. She’s fast though.

Also, you know they say pets take on their owner’s personality?

Well, my sister’s already saying this cat acts more like me.

She’s a happy, cheerful little thing. It’s been like 3 weeks and she’s already more well adjusted than any of our older pets are…sad to say. They all are more stressed out than she is.

She’s also not scared of much. She’s barely even scared of the dog anymore.

And she’s…persistent, to say the least. The older cats keep kissing and growling at her, but she’s still trying to make friends and keeps attacking them trying to get them to play. I think she’s wearing down the one.

Also, her favorite game is hide and seek/catch me if you can.

(I said to my family “she really is like Sasuke then”)

I always have thought my cats reflected human nature more than dogs. I mean, I think it’s both.

Dogs to me reflect our need for attention and praise from people above us.

Cats, on the other hand, reflect our need for respect, space, and reassurance.

Dogs protect, Cats comfort. Though there’s of course, room for both.

But cats definitely to me have more of a decided personality. I’ve had both cats and dogs, and I like dogs fine, but they seem to be very alike to each other to me. While cats are all different. Maybe I’m just biased.

Having my own pet, also makes me reflect on myself.

Like, I prefer cats party because they don’t need as much attention as dogs, and they aren’t as messy.

But is that a selfish reason to like cats? I don’t know. I just feel I don’t have the time for a dog. Or energy. And a cat is easier to cuddle with because it’s smaller.

Also my new cat is still a baby and need more attention.

I take care of our dog sometimes too, though it’s not really mine, but it’s way more stressful. But our dog is very anxious, not at all like the one we had when I was younger.

Also, getting a pet made me realize something about myself that should have been obvious.

I like taking care of things.

I thought everyone did. But my sister has actually illustrated for me that that is not true. Taking care of things stresses some people out. They may come to like it over time, but they don’t put themselves in that passionate on purpose.

They feel like they can’t live up to it, or do an adequate job.

For me, it’s not like that.

I do often feel like maybe I’m not good enough at what I do, but I do it anyway, because I do find joy in caring for other things.

I get more satisfaction out of feeling like something his my job. I’m more motivated then if it’s a joint task.

I tend to pawn things off on other people if it could be anyone who does it. But if it’s my job, I can actually be kind of possessive and jealous about it.

Basically, I’d be the woman who won’t bug you about your kids, but if you try anything with mine, I’m full war mode.

I don’t tell other people how to do their jobs often (unless they ask or I see a problem that’s too glaring to ignore) but I do not like if it they tell me how to do mine–and that happens a lot.

I mean, people really could just mind their own business more, you know?

I also am somehow the girl everyone is scared to cross in my friend group…I’ve scared people without even trying.

I don’t even think I’m that aggressive to people, I’m just…firm.

Well, maybe it’s perspective.

All that makes me someone who either enjoys being in charge…or simply has to be.

I kind of had to be the second mom to my sisters once my mom began working. I don’t know whether I like responsibility because I like it, or because I felt I needed to take it on.

But it doesn’t stress me out. Maybe I’m weird, or maybe I just inherited my dad’s attitude about it, as he never seemed to overthink it.

Or both their attitudes. That is what I worry about at times.

Both my parents were negligent in some ways, emotionally, sometimes in other ways too. I never got asked if I was okay. If I was upset I was told to calm down, stop crying, etc.

It was normal to me to go weeks or months without playing with other kids except at church. I don’t know if that’s bad or good, but it was normal.

Though I have a different personality, I know I have that model of care, and I imitate it whether I mean to or not.

Like, my dad would just ignore us and be on the computer as soon as he got him. I do that too.

I changed it by also purposely making time almost everyday to hang with one or both of my siblings, I actually am more proactive about it than they are, I have the drive.

My Mom would not talk to us unless we started the conversation, usually. And we didn’t talk about heavy stuff unless we started it, for sure. It’s funny, she was a stay at home mom up till I was a teenager…and after about 4 or 5, i have no memory of her trying to talk to me on purpose about heavy stuff, or anything, without me starting ti. That was the way it worked in my house.

I don’t know if I think that’s all bad, that’s the way some people are…but it did make it hard for me not to develop a strategy for self care that I have often felt was too much of a burden for someone my age.

For years I’ve known I have to start things if I want them to happen. I don’t expect people to care or think about what I want. And if they do, I am surprised, sometime mistrustful.

No family is perfect, and we humans tend to develop bad coping mechanism, no matter how perfect our family could be. I know that.

I remember when my mom stopped coming to sit with me after I had a bad dream. I remember when the same thing happened to my sister, and I became the one who would go sit with her.

I remember when I was sick and came to tell her and she was like “what do you want me to do about it?”

Yes, she got up eventually…but that response stuck with me.

My dad never got up at all for those things, and it was just understood that he wouldn’t. Daddy didn’t handle that kind of thing.

Shoot, I didn’t know Dads even did things like that till I got old enough to hear about other kids of fathers. I just assumed it was like that for everyone.

I didn’t know there were dads who made time for their kids on purpose. Sheesh.

Then again, I didn’t know there were husbands who were nice to their wives either.

I try to be available to both sisters and friends whenever they are in need of something. They know that I will put down my laptop, or book, or whatever, and talk to them if they need it.

I decided to become that way because I didn’t get it as a kid. And I am grateful when they do the same for me, though I usually apologize for bothering them, because in my mind, I am a bother, and there is always something more important than me they could be focused on.

Because that is what I heard.

My mom would tell me “I need to go to bed” or “I need to cook dinner” or “I need to do insert chore” and she didn’t have time to listen to me talk about what was bothering me for an hour.

And this wasn’t stupid stuff, mind you. I was hurt by my dad, my family, about being picked on, I didn’t just complain about nonsense like not having a toy I wanted. I’ve never been able to complain about things like that, and that’s not so bad. They are petty anyway.

My mom did listen to me plenty of times, but it always felt like a chore she did, to me. And she’d cut it off when she felt she couldn’t take more time away from something.

I’ve never had her actually just change what she was going to do because of me…well. Not if it was something serious.

I know that we cannot expect that always form people. But there are times when soemoen else really does need to come before our plans. We humans can’t plan when we’ll have heartbreaking moments, and the need to control our lives despite that is just a fantasy on our part.

That’s what I think anyway. I can do what I’m doing another time. It’s just a project.

But despite all this, I still wonder if my attitude is right. Do I still neglect others. There’s always more I could do.

But I know that comparison is a huge stumbling block in Love.

Even comparing myself to my parents is bad. Will I ever feel like I don’t do what they did? Anything can feel like them, if I frame it that way.

Was all they did bad? No.

Will I ever be perfect? Not in this life.

I think, in the end, the main thing is to be growing constantly. I am a better lover now than I was two years ago, I should be better in 5 years than I am now. Keep maturing.

Many of us stay static. Even those in the church. We don’t grow. Or we grow at a really, really slow pace.

Thank God, His grace is not based on our growth. But, it sure does shine more through it, doesn’t it?

You can grow fast or slow.

I just read an article about a man, Everett, who studied a small tribe of people, and lost his faith in Christianity because he observed a more harmonious lifestyle there, than he thought the Church produced.

That they were the goal we all strive for, and if Christianity worked it would produce those people.

I thought the guy kind of missed the point.

Though we are to be better people because of it, no where in the New Testament, that I know of, does it promise that we will be the best society because we are Christians.

The tribe in question didn’t even believe in God, they live in the Present. They couldn’t understand what he was talking about.

This is one point of religion that critics of it fail to understand. They claim religion should make us more peaceful.

Jesus said “I came not to bring peace, but a sword.”

Religion deals with the most important matters of life, and people take it dead seriously. Of course it will cause fights.

What is more worth fighting over than the actual truth about God and ourselves? Can you think of something more important than that?

I’m not for killing defectors, but I do understand why some religions do. It’s that serious to them.

Christ taught us to be merciful to those who don’t believe, but most religions have no such principle expressly stated in them. Islam is quite the opposite, in fact.

So, when people complain that the Church has not produced a more peaceful society or more contentedness in its members…I wonder, just why do they think it is supposed to do that?

Sure, we are to be as contented as we can be with what God gives us, but not contented with the way the world is. Christians are people of change, wherever we go. We can’t help it. Our core belief is that the world is not right the way it is. Take that away, and we have no reason to be Christians.

And to me, a life without God is no life at all. If this man, Everett, thought that was sufficient fr this tribe, he was a fool.

I know I am not culturally correct for saying that…I don’t care.

So, in a way, I need to not be satisfied with where I am, but not dissatisfied either. I must accept where I am now is a stage of the journey, but it’s not the goal.

I will never arrive as long as I walk this earth, but I can get closer.

I don’t know how I got to this from my cat.

But if I may tie it back in…Being a caregiver, a lover, really, is a process of improvement. You could always be better.

What makes you a good one is not how skilled you are now, really, but whether you intend to get better. If you’re trying, then, your heart is right.

And our lives catch up toour heart.

All the talent in the world is no good if you’re selfish with it.

I think that’s a goodplace to stop.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.

(My cat scratched me several times while writing this because I was not paying attention to her. Go Figure)

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