Hello people, I’m back again.
I just wanted to write a short little post about something I’ve been watching a lot of videos about.
Since my dad moved out, I’ve begun to try to seek out other sources on men, you know, so I have a different perspective, and I try Reddit and Tiktok a lot recently.
I know these are not always reliable, but at the very least you see what people are putting out there and responding to, so it’s something.
And men are complaining about women a lot because they feel unheard.
They say that women don’t expect them to have feelings, be vulnerable, and they think they are just sex addicts who only care about women for what they can get out of them.
I find it odd to read men saying that all this is not true.
Not because I am sexist, though probably I am without realizing it, I think most single people have certain biases or misconceptions about the opposite sex, but I wouldn’t say I’m any more sexist than would be expected from someone in that position.
So I try to be fair to men.
I know at least that I don’t believe a few of those stereotypes. Like that men don’t like kids, I purposely hang out with men or boys who do like kids, I find that very attractive in a man.
And I know plenty of boys who do like kids, sometimes more than adults, and I relate to that, believe me.
In fact, kids love men who like hanging with them, they give better swinging and piggy back rides, they’re stronger. They don’t get tired as fast girls do. It’s great. I loved it when I was a kid.
That said, I have heard and assumed true a bunch of other stereotypes.
I’ll just list them here.
- Men don’t spend time with their kids.
- Men don’t care about anything with a woman but sex, even if she’s a jerk or a nut job.
- Men are slobs and never do housework
- Men don’t like to share their feelings
- Men are simple
- Men mean what they say
- Men don’t care about emotional attachment.
Right…
Okay…
I think that number 3 got shot down for me as soon as I talked to a few guys who admitted to being neat freaks or perfectionists.
But guess who told me all this stuff before the internet ever did?
You got it, My dad did.
The only thing my dad didn’t tell me was that men don’t care about their kids or watching them. But he demonstrated it by never watching us…at least voluntarily.
Being depressed, my dad spent most of his off time sleeping or playing video games, and he was well above the age where video games are suppose to be a normal pastime.
My dad told me, before I even asked, that men just cared about sex.
Also that all they wanted from women was to be fed, loved (sex or whatever) and left alone.
He also was kind enough to tell me that men were all pigs, ogres, or slobs, and that was just how they are.
And he gave me the idea that if I ever went out with a boy, all he’d want from me was sex.
I never have gone out, to this day…not for lack of wishing. But the idea also scares me, for obvious reasons.
The reason I’m telling this story is because, I think men don’t always realize that women don’t necessarily get these ideas from other women.
I’ve never had a woman tell me this about men in my memory. The most I’ve heard women say, and not to my face, was that men are emotionally challenged. Which can be true, because they aren’t taught to be otherwise.
But I’ve never noticed any major difference between men and women’s emotions.
Ironically, that’s the one myth I never could bring myself to buy into.
My life might have been easier if my dad was not as emotional as a woman. But my dad acts like most men say women act, and they aren’t allowed to.
He’d unload all his emotional load onto my mom, who never talks about her feelings. He talks more, and he rages out more. My mom hardly ever shows her feelings.
Personally I am the most openly emotional of my siblings, and yet I am reserved in a lot of people’s eyes who don’t know me that well, not like my dad.
(We’re all girls by the way.)
I’ve seen a few women act like my dad, but I’ve seen way more men act that way, and it’s scary.
I don’t normally do this, but, I’m just wondering, to any guys who might be reading this:
Why do you always think it’s women who give ourselves this idea?
Maybe you should consider from time to time that it’s the jerkwad men out there who tell women this so as to avoid responsibility?
In the same way it’s not actual men who often decry women to each other, in my experience. I hear other women telling men that we’re the way we are, and giving them that example, so it screws men up for life to expect that from women.
I mean, it makes sense doesn’t it? It’s the worst examples of each gender that would want to use gender as an excuse to be a pig, or a nag, or a control freak, or whatever you happen to be making excuses for.
I’m not going to blame all men for what my dad told me, my dad is a unique brand of unstable for sure.
I’m just trying to say, you can’t blame my mom or my other female role models for this and if I expect men to act like my dad, it’s my dad’s own fault. If you tell a little girl that, what is she going to think?
I knew even at the time that it was weird for my dad to say it, but it stayed with me. I couldn’t help that.
It was sad, I mostly only saw my dad and his friends as examples of manhood, since I wasn’t around too many other men, and if I happened to like a different man, just as a person I looked up to, my dad was sure to criticize him or undermine it by telling me it’s not how the man really was at home.
Come to think of it, my male relatives didn’t tend to act like my dad did, even at home, not to that extent, but as a kdi you never thing of that.
Sadly families can have a type, so even if all my relative were not shining examples of manhood, it could be totally different for someone else, and that’s a good thing.
I could be jealous of it…but at this point, I’m just glad some girls had better examples, good for you, men who raise the bar.
The bar is really low though, and I don’t think it’s because girls just naturally expect less. It’s that men who aren’t honorable will target girls while they are still young, and jack them up for life, and then when they’re old enough for decent men to actually be interested in them, they already have these misconceptions about them.
Something we all need to realize if we want to be fair to each other.
While I do feel bad for the men expressing their frustration, and I do want to learn from it, I think they are missing a huge point.
Women got these expectations from somewhere, usually from a negative male role model in her life, and just being frustrated with that, without trying to understand it, is being part of the problem.
In her mind a man is not going to try to understand her, so she cannot hope to understand him.
And I think that goes the other way. A lot of bitter men have been jaded either by their moms or someone else, and assume all women are like that.
Women get mad, and forget that the man probably thinks that for a reason.
My dad’s mom was quite a nut job. And though my mom could not be more different from her, my dad never gave up his habit of talking about all women like they were crazy, resentful, and spiteful.
I never could understand how he could say that when my mom was none of those things, in my observation, at least not to him. But he refused to let go of his old image.
If I judged all men by my dad, I’d never get married or date. The idea disgusts me.
But for the record, if I judge all women by my mom, I would never have a close female friend. I have my issues with both my parents, and I have to work that out with them. But I can’t assume all people are like them.
I’m not writing this post to dump on men for expressing frustration.
But here is one thing I think you need to do, if you wish to talk about women assuming things:
I usually write with a disclaimer so that men can see I know they are not all like this. I will say that. I will even give examples of guys who were better than that who I know, sometimes.
I don’t think its right to just dump on men as a gender at all.
I would love it if these men gave us women the same courtesy.
Complain if you want, you probably have earned it, but don’t just say all women think this, acknowledge that some of us don’t, and if we’re taking the time to read your complaints, we probably are at least open minded enough to try.
I guess that goes both ways, if you are reading this, you’re probably an open-minded man. I salute you for that, I wish my dad was.
I just like it to be respectful. I hate being put in a box as much as the next women, I’m starting to think these gender based questions are just a trap for generalizations. We have enough of those already.
One more thing:
Keep in mind that as soon as there’s a stereotype, people will try to pull away from it.
#notlikeothergirls and #notlikeotherguys exist for that reason.
The pick me girl and pick me guy are both based on eschewing stereotypes, so they become their own.
I’ve never really thought I was unlike other girls, by much, and it’s funny, in thinking that I seem to have become “not like other girls” in the eyes of many people. Or at least, a stronger, more confident girl.
I don’t know if I am or am not, but here’s the thing, it just doesn’t matter.
If most women were decent, living individuals, then being like other women would be a good thing. And I’d feel good about it.
If most women are hags, then I don’t want to be like other women.
And if most men are honorable, heroes who try to treat women and each other right, then by all means, make that a stereotype so people will attain to it.
But if most men are pigs, after all, then I want the uncommon man.
But a man can be uncommonly boorish, and a woman uncommonly psychotic, or vice versa, so unusual is not always better.
The point its, my dad tried to be neither uncommonly good, nor stereotypically good, really, so it doesn’t matter, if the intention behind it is the same, what you’re trying to say you are.
Remember friends, the stereotype will always be what you make of it. If you want to be a jackass you’ll make that what the stereotype for men means, if you want to be the protectors, you’ll make that the model. Society doesn’t control you, your values do.
And women are exactly the same. No difference there.
I just want us to try to understand that about each other instead of blaming each other. We’ve all been burned, and often it’s not even something we realize influences us till later.
It is so unfair to hold everyone up to that standard you were set by the people who hurt you though. We all need a chance to be better than that.
I’m talking to myself here too, i till wonder how I’ll treat my first boyfriend if and when I have one. I plan to be upfront with him about my trauma so that he will know if I do react out of it, it’s not about him, but that’s not a magical cure for any problems, it will still take work.
But I’m not so jaded yet that I’m not willing to try to work it out with another human being, instead of on my own, we all have to play the hand we’re dealt or trade up for a better, but not playing at all is just being a lump.
I think that’s about all I got on this, I’m not pretending to be an expert here, but I hop some of it made sense or was thought provoking. All the rage we have now, we need to try to keep our heads.
One very good question to ask your SO if you are having problems with expections, is to say
“Honey, when did you first get the idea that mn/women were liket hat?”
Chances are he/she will look at you blankly at first and not understand, but if you give thema while, even a few days, to think about it, the memeory will
Until next time, stay honest–Natasha
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drybonestruth 