You know, I never talked like that before I liked Camie’s character in mha, it’s funny how you can change how you talk based on things like that.
Well, I think it’s fun to have more of an accent anyway.
How’s everyone doing? I know I haven’t updated this blog a whole lot lately. I’ve been writing a lot on Wattpad.
But hey, I’m up to 2.3k views on one story, if y’all want to go check that out.
I’ve also not had a lot to blog about, other than getting a new kitten (who’s doing great still btw, I wrote more about her here: New Kitten)
But an important milestone happened last month, it’s officially been 2 years since my dad moved out.
I cannot believe it’s been that long. Still feels like a few months ago he was here.
And I still can’t believe it was mostly my efforts that made it happen, with some help from my siblings.
It’s so weird. That’s a part I rarely tell people who actually know me, I feel like it would shock them. People already don’t get why I was happy about the whole thing.
In hindsight, I could have been more tactful about it, but I am an open book…
People have to get used to that about me, it’s a shock at first.
To this day, we do still feel bad about it at times. My dad didn’t hesitate to lay the guilt trip on thick when I did talk to him for the first time.
And it bothered me.
I still get dreams about it all too. They tend to make me doubt myself, my worth, my decisions. My sisters gets them too.
But the difference now is, he’s not here. We can replay all his words in our heads, but he’s not here to say them. At some point, either you embrace that or you don’t, I think.
Something that bugged me a lot about it all too is this:
Does Christianity really work?
If my mom and dad really believe, how can they act the way they do? Why are they not kinder?
But recently, I’ve realized I could ask myself the same questions.
Christianity ought to make me happy all the time, if it’s true. It’s truly an amazing belief. Puts everything in the right place, mean that life has a meaning beyond what we can imagine.
I think the very reason it doesn’t make me feel that way all the time is because humans cannot hold the whole truth in our heads for very long. You grow into it…
But really even a piece of Christianity is enough food for thought to last you your whole life, so the whole things is even harder.
Other religions usually just have piece of Christianity in them, and the make more of one thing than another. Then add their own stuff to it.
If we could fully realize it at all times, I think we would live completely differently always.
But our focus shifts from one element to another.
In my life, I’ve accepted that God highlights certain aspects of it for me when I need them. That I can’t try to focus on it all at once, I grow in one thing at one time, and another thing at another time. And hat is the only way I think we really can live.
If that’s not your life, you’re probably not grown at all.
And why would I want to exclude certain parts of it anyway? I want the whole picture.
All the immature Christians I know tend to end up stuck on one thing, and they refuse to leave it, ever.
You’ve met the type no doubt, if you life in the West. They harp on about judgment, or holiness, or grace, till you’re sick to death of it.
And you wonder “what about all the other elements of it?”
Yeah, being a well rounded Christian is kind of like being the avatar. You can’t rely too much on one element, you need all of them together, or you’re off balance.
God is a consuming fire, you have to know him as such–but he’s also the living water, and you need to know Him as that.
And really, that’s what make God interesting, isn’t it? As well as people, if you really get to know them.
We spend too much time in our niches now. It used to be you had a friend you learned different stuff about that friend.
But now I can have online friends for each interest i my life, and never need to go beyond that, ever. And it’s no wonder I feel like I don’t really know any of them that well.
That said, I can’t always know why some Christians don’t live the way I want.
But there’s two point to be made here.
- Christians are never promised to be 100% perfect while on earth. We’re told that will not happen, n fact–and we wouldn’t’ be able to relate to anyone else if it did.
- It’s entirely possible my idea of what everyone should live like is shallow and narrow minded. Do I know everything? No.
And those who criticize Christians for that reason are actually kind of arrogant. Like, you think you can judge us for still having issues? Do you have a better way of life? Are you doing so much better?
Christianity does not promise to fix all you problems overnight. It promises to save your soul.
What you do with that, is going to be a journey.
But whats the alternative?
I’m convinced that there is no way of life we can take as human that it will turn us into angels.
But Christianity is the only thing that will make anything close to it.
The idea is how close are we getting?
Christian re not always good peopel, but mor chirsitn are good people than people who have no God, and no faith. Or who have iath ina ahrshed God.
Not all charitiyes are chirsitn, but most of them are.
Not all world chagner have ben chirsitnst–but mst of the ones we still revere to this day were.
Not all really good books and sotreis are christiant, but many of the ones we still like after so many centureis were.
One has to look at the tendancies of man, not isioated indivuaile, sometiems.
While my dad was a jerk, and still is. I can’t being to guess how much worse it would have been if he did not at atle thav eto rpetend to be Christiatn. If it spared me one bad moment out of two, then it was something.
And he at least taught me to trun to God, even if he did not practice it himself the way I think he shoudl ahve.
My dad, while the most destructive force in my life next to my own human nature, also ushered in a lot of moments of truth for me.
Do I like him? No.
Can I ignore that? No.
God brings good out of bad, that’s what He does. He doesn’t just keep all bad away from us.
I find that view of life escapist.
I know that people often see this explanation as a christian cliche, and bitter, angry people do not want to hear it anyway.
But I’m to the point where I think: Well, sure, it’s cliche…but what else could you conclude based on the world around us?
God has to be good, I know, because if God was evil why would anything good still exist?
An Evil God would not bother giving us free will, would He?
You can’t reconcile the presence of Good and Evil in the world without a good God giving his creations free will, it’s just not possible.
If God was evil, we all literally wouldn’t have a prayer. If God didn’t care, then we would all be dead already from our own stupidly.
If God is Good, but does not force us to be, then we have our answer. Evil has consequences. To stop them is to render it meaningless to choose at all.
You can’t give your kids keys to the car, and then put it on autopilot, and say that they drove it. It’s just not how choice works. If they crash it, that was a a risk you took.
But it’s more of a risk to not let a kid learn how to do things for themselves, is it not? If you cannot coddle them through life, what will they do?
And God could do that for us, but he seems more interesting having adults, or at least kids with some sense of self.
Every child understands the idea of choice, it’s us older people who try to say we don’t have one.
It’s an old answer, but maybe let’s old because it’s true.
We should consider that, you know.
Some things are just true, so they are eternal.
I know that people who have been hurt do not want to hear that it had to happen.
And maybe it didn’t, I’m not sure sin ever “had” to happen.
But it does.
We all do it.
I’m inclined now, at 22, to think it’s a better use of my time to let God heal and teach me to live better, than to whine about how it all sucked.
Jesus suffered too, after all.
I still have lots of memories of self pity, but God willing, they are getting less.
And I do have some things I still need to work through, but I’m leaning also that it is not the most important thing in the world.
I guess, I’m saying, we can complain about our lives…or we can take the offer to have them made new.
But guess what, whether you take Gods’ offer or not, you’re life is still going to have bad things in it.
It’s just a matter or whether you ever want there to be more to it than that.
That has always been what Christianity offers. Not an escape from the world, but from yourself, and your pain.
With that thought, I think I’ll just end this here, this is short for me, but I think that’s okay.
Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.