What do r/tiktok men tell us about men?

Hello people, I’m back again.

I just wanted to write a short little post about something I’ve been watching a lot of videos about.

Since my dad moved out, I’ve begun to try to seek out other sources on men, you know, so I have a different perspective, and I try Reddit and Tiktok a lot recently.

I know these are not always reliable, but at the very least you see what people are putting out there and responding to, so it’s something.

And men are complaining about women a lot because they feel unheard.

They say that women don’t expect them to have feelings, be vulnerable, and they think they are just sex addicts who only care about women for what they can get out of them.

I find it odd to read men saying that all this is not true.

Not because I am sexist, though probably I am without realizing it, I think most single people have certain biases or misconceptions about the opposite sex, but I wouldn’t say I’m any more sexist than would be expected from someone in that position.

So I try to be fair to men.

I know at least that I don’t believe a few of those stereotypes. Like that men don’t like kids, I purposely hang out with men or boys who do like kids, I find that very attractive in a man.

And I know plenty of boys who do like kids, sometimes more than adults, and I relate to that, believe me.

In fact, kids love men who like hanging with them, they give better swinging and piggy back rides, they’re stronger. They don’t get tired as fast girls do. It’s great. I loved it when I was a kid.

That said, I have heard and assumed true a bunch of other stereotypes.

I’ll just list them here.

  1. Men don’t spend time with their kids.
  2. Men don’t care about anything with a woman but sex, even if she’s a jerk or a nut job.
  3. Men are slobs and never do housework
  4. Men don’t like to share their feelings
  5. Men are simple
  6. Men mean what they say
  7. Men don’t care about emotional attachment.

Right…

Okay…

I think that number 3 got shot down for me as soon as I talked to a few guys who admitted to being neat freaks or perfectionists.

But guess who told me all this stuff before the internet ever did?

You got it, My dad did.

The only thing my dad didn’t tell me was that men don’t care about their kids or watching them. But he demonstrated it by never watching us…at least voluntarily.

Being depressed, my dad spent most of his off time sleeping or playing video games, and he was well above the age where video games are suppose to be a normal pastime.

My dad told me, before I even asked, that men just cared about sex.

Also that all they wanted from women was to be fed, loved (sex or whatever) and left alone.

He also was kind enough to tell me that men were all pigs, ogres, or slobs, and that was just how they are.

And he gave me the idea that if I ever went out with a boy, all he’d want from me was sex.

I never have gone out, to this day…not for lack of wishing. But the idea also scares me, for obvious reasons.

The reason I’m telling this story is because, I think men don’t always realize that women don’t necessarily get these ideas from other women.

I’ve never had a woman tell me this about men in my memory. The most I’ve heard women say, and not to my face, was that men are emotionally challenged. Which can be true, because they aren’t taught to be otherwise.

But I’ve never noticed any major difference between men and women’s emotions.

Ironically, that’s the one myth I never could bring myself to buy into.

My life might have been easier if my dad was not as emotional as a woman. But my dad acts like most men say women act, and they aren’t allowed to.

He’d unload all his emotional load onto my mom, who never talks about her feelings. He talks more, and he rages out more. My mom hardly ever shows her feelings.

Personally I am the most openly emotional of my siblings, and yet I am reserved in a lot of people’s eyes who don’t know me that well, not like my dad.

(We’re all girls by the way.)

I’ve seen a few women act like my dad, but I’ve seen way more men act that way, and it’s scary.

I don’t normally do this, but, I’m just wondering, to any guys who might be reading this:

Why do you always think it’s women who give ourselves this idea?

Maybe you should consider from time to time that it’s the jerkwad men out there who tell women this so as to avoid responsibility?

In the same way it’s not actual men who often decry women to each other, in my experience. I hear other women telling men that we’re the way we are, and giving them that example, so it screws men up for life to expect that from women.

I mean, it makes sense doesn’t it? It’s the worst examples of each gender that would want to use gender as an excuse to be a pig, or a nag, or a control freak, or whatever you happen to be making excuses for.

I’m not going to blame all men for what my dad told me, my dad is a unique brand of unstable for sure.

I’m just trying to say, you can’t blame my mom or my other female role models for this and if I expect men to act like my dad, it’s my dad’s own fault. If you tell a little girl that, what is she going to think?

I knew even at the time that it was weird for my dad to say it, but it stayed with me. I couldn’t help that.

It was sad, I mostly only saw my dad and his friends as examples of manhood, since I wasn’t around too many other men, and if I happened to like a different man, just as a person I looked up to, my dad was sure to criticize him or undermine it by telling me it’s not how the man really was at home.

Come to think of it, my male relatives didn’t tend to act like my dad did, even at home, not to that extent, but as a kdi you never thing of that.

Sadly families can have a type, so even if all my relative were not shining examples of manhood, it could be totally different for someone else, and that’s a good thing.

I could be jealous of it…but at this point, I’m just glad some girls had better examples, good for you, men who raise the bar.

The bar is really low though, and I don’t think it’s because girls just naturally expect less. It’s that men who aren’t honorable will target girls while they are still young, and jack them up for life, and then when they’re old enough for decent men to actually be interested in them, they already have these misconceptions about them.

Something we all need to realize if we want to be fair to each other.

While I do feel bad for the men expressing their frustration, and I do want to learn from it, I think they are missing a huge point.

Women got these expectations from somewhere, usually from a negative male role model in her life, and just being frustrated with that, without trying to understand it, is being part of the problem.

In her mind a man is not going to try to understand her, so she cannot hope to understand him.

And I think that goes the other way. A lot of bitter men have been jaded either by their moms or someone else, and assume all women are like that.

Women get mad, and forget that the man probably thinks that for a reason.

My dad’s mom was quite a nut job. And though my mom could not be more different from her, my dad never gave up his habit of talking about all women like they were crazy, resentful, and spiteful.

I never could understand how he could say that when my mom was none of those things, in my observation, at least not to him. But he refused to let go of his old image.

If I judged all men by my dad, I’d never get married or date. The idea disgusts me.

But for the record, if I judge all women by my mom, I would never have a close female friend. I have my issues with both my parents, and I have to work that out with them. But I can’t assume all people are like them.

I’m not writing this post to dump on men for expressing frustration.

But here is one thing I think you need to do, if you wish to talk about women assuming things:

I usually write with a disclaimer so that men can see I know they are not all like this. I will say that. I will even give examples of guys who were better than that who I know, sometimes.

I don’t think its right to just dump on men as a gender at all.

I would love it if these men gave us women the same courtesy.

Complain if you want, you probably have earned it, but don’t just say all women think this, acknowledge that some of us don’t, and if we’re taking the time to read your complaints, we probably are at least open minded enough to try.

I guess that goes both ways, if you are reading this, you’re probably an open-minded man. I salute you for that, I wish my dad was.

I just like it to be respectful. I hate being put in a box as much as the next women, I’m starting to think these gender based questions are just a trap for generalizations. We have enough of those already.

One more thing:

Keep in mind that as soon as there’s a stereotype, people will try to pull away from it.

#notlikeothergirls and #notlikeotherguys exist for that reason.

The pick me girl and pick me guy are both based on eschewing stereotypes, so they become their own.

I’ve never really thought I was unlike other girls, by much, and it’s funny, in thinking that I seem to have become “not like other girls” in the eyes of many people. Or at least, a stronger, more confident girl.

I don’t know if I am or am not, but here’s the thing, it just doesn’t matter.

If most women were decent, living individuals, then being like other women would be a good thing. And I’d feel good about it.

If most women are hags, then I don’t want to be like other women.

And if most men are honorable, heroes who try to treat women and each other right, then by all means, make that a stereotype so people will attain to it.

But if most men are pigs, after all, then I want the uncommon man.

But a man can be uncommonly boorish, and a woman uncommonly psychotic, or vice versa, so unusual is not always better.

The point its, my dad tried to be neither uncommonly good, nor stereotypically good, really, so it doesn’t matter, if the intention behind it is the same, what you’re trying to say you are.

Remember friends, the stereotype will always be what you make of it. If you want to be a jackass you’ll make that what the stereotype for men means, if you want to be the protectors, you’ll make that the model. Society doesn’t control you, your values do.

And women are exactly the same. No difference there.

I just want us to try to understand that about each other instead of blaming each other. We’ve all been burned, and often it’s not even something we realize influences us till later.

It is so unfair to hold everyone up to that standard you were set by the people who hurt you though. We all need a chance to be better than that.

I’m talking to myself here too, i till wonder how I’ll treat my first boyfriend if and when I have one. I plan to be upfront with him about my trauma so that he will know if I do react out of it, it’s not about him, but that’s not a magical cure for any problems, it will still take work.

But I’m not so jaded yet that I’m not willing to try to work it out with another human being, instead of on my own, we all have to play the hand we’re dealt or trade up for a better, but not playing at all is just being a lump.

I think that’s about all I got on this, I’m not pretending to be an expert here, but I hop some of it made sense or was thought provoking. All the rage we have now, we need to try to keep our heads.

One very good question to ask your SO if you are having problems with expections, is to say

“Honey, when did you first get the idea that mn/women were liket hat?”

Chances are he/she will look at you blankly at first and not understand, but if you give thema while, even a few days, to think about it, the memeory will

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha

Stop it (both a rant and a reflection on current attitudes)

You know I think I’m finally getting the hang of this new editor, yay!

Well if you were curious, I am better today, have been for a couple days, starting icing my inflamed muscles and taking Prilosec (for acid reflux) and I’ve been eating much better.

And another great thing that happened this week was the Oh Hellos (that band I keep leaving links to at the bottom of my posts) dropped another EP, liking it so far. Musical genius. I am actually listening to them as I write.

Plus a friend I have not seen since the lockdown began finally came to Youth Group again.

So, with some good things happening, what should I write about?

How messed up the world is right now? Yeah…

You know, I try to refrain from ranting about it and getting into politics a whole lot, because that’s not really what I want to write about, and I think too many people complain about the world in their blogs, I won’t start naming names because I still like those bloggers, YouTubers, and others, but…seriously?

Here’s a thought that keeps coming back to me over this year.

Stop. Just… stop.

Why do you bother?

I really don’t get the appeal of being “woke” about stuff, giving the hot take on the events of the world like you are some kind of expert on it. Like you really have such a great grasp of the global climate and the suffering of other people.

Now, I am all about Free Speech, I believe that the right to give our opinions in public is the only protection from tyranny we have.

And I believe that even the idiot’s right to free speech must be protected. after all, if the fools don’t speak, they will not expose their foolishness, as Proverbs assures us they will.

My issue with how it currently is is that the fools are the only ones speaking, most of the time, and people of true wisdom simply stay out of the quarrel.

Like the anime movie title, there’s a Silent Voice in both America, and other countries in political trouble right now. There’s the people who just go quietly about their lives, thinking more wise thoughts, and they won’t let on.

Proverbs also tells us that Wise men will guard their tongues and not speak unnecessarily. Which is not really talking about small talk and humor, as some people have been taught by too strict churches, but talking about saying what is better left unsaid, or saying something at the wrong time.

Proverbs says “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” Meaning there’s a right time and place to speak, and a right manner.

JAmes says we should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Doesn’t sound like our modern social world does it?

Well, newsflash that the media won’t ever tell you: This is nothing new. People have always been prone to petty arguments, talking over each other, and throwing insults more than reasoning.

It’s hilarious to me when people bemoan how free thought and reason have fallen out of popularity…when were they ever in popularity? There have been a few golden ages in the history of the World where Wisdom was perhaps sought after and respected by many people, but those times were decades at most usually.

When church leaders (not just in the church, it’s all over, but I hear it most there for obvious reasons) say we need to get back to being kind, and need to remember that, and not drift, I want to laugh. They mean well, but I always think, “have you read the bible? This isn’t new. Tell us to be better by all means, but don’t imply that we ever didn’t have these same problems. These are just human problems. They have existed since the fall. They will exist until the new kingdom comes.”

The real wake up call anyone reading this needs, if they haven’t had it already, is to realize this is not something that happened because humans have changed, but because they haven’t and won’t.

This is not unusual.

2020 as a whole has been a weird year, to be sure, but the problems it exposed in our culture are not really Racism, Intolerance, or radicalism to unhealthy amounts on both sides of our political spectrum. It was not arrogance, pride, or pettiness.

Oh no, if you didn’t already know all that existed, boy were you either stupid or sheltered way more than a homeschooler ever is. Read a book, seriously, I’ve known about this stuff since I was a kid, just in varying forms.

But I’m sure you did know. I don’t care if you don’t even live in the USA, it’s the same everywhere. You cold live in a remote African village, or in rural China, (though I doubt you’d be reading this if you did) and you could tell me the same crap happens there as I’m describing, it’s just undocumented.

You know what 2020 really revealed to me, I knew it already, but I never saw it so clearly before:

Just how Self-Aggrandizing, Whiny, and Anxiety obsessed my country is.

And it’s not just the young people, though it scares me how prevalent it is for them, at least in my state.

But, oh my gosh, have we gotten delusional.

I hear people say constantly that the world has never been through this kind of thing, the country has never been through this kind of thing, and we are in something new.

I mean, seriously? None of the other crisises in history came close to this one? This one that was made much better by having tech we could connect with each other through, and keep our businesses running with, and our churches. For a national or global crisis, this has been remarkably cushy, the psychological effects are far worse than the materiel ones for most of us who have not lost someone to the virus, or lost our jobs, but even those of us who did suffer that had more resources than the average Crisis victim in any past tragedy would have.

I got handouts I didn’t even ask for from my school, lots of people have.

And the political corruption line? Really. That’s been every single election since Washington stepped down and Reagan served his 2nd term.

I ask you Americans who read this, what do you think we deserve, anyway?

If you are on the Left, what makes you think we are so entitled to social justice?

Your side promotes murdering innocent children, pushing ideologies in schools that many parents don’t like, and pushing secularism and Evolution, a worldview that has absolutely not a shred of evidence.

If you are on the Right, why are you blaming the Left for ruining this country?

Who has sat back and done nothing, for decades? Or at most, protested and petitioned in weak ways, but not gone to the real battleground and taken back our schools and counties, and gotten social media savvy, and tried to understand what kids are up against now, instead of blaming them fro being brainwashed when no one tried to stop it.

I mean, I’ll give the Left this, they make themselves heard, they have popular platforms, they know how to appeal to kids.

The Right often to me does not even try to understand what we like, they just tell us what we should like. In my personal experience, it’s gotta be old music, old fashions, old ways of doing things. And anyone who doesn’t like that is just a snowflake wimp.

So much for being the trendsetters.

No, though I support Conservative ideology, the actual actions of Conservative often fail to impress me. There’s some very cool ones out there, but many just sit on their duffs and complain and say it’s all wrong, and do nothing whatsoever that will ever be remotely useful in the long run.

So, I ask, what ecactly do you expect?

You can call this years election a joke, but this is exactly what you asked for, and you know how?

Because you fall for the click-bait, you start the arguments, you rail at people who don’t agree with you.

You demonize the other side, and you worship any leader who echoes your opinions.

But what’s worse than all that, is you actually have the audacity to feel sorry for yourself. To feel you’ve already lost, and that your life will be forever ruined by forces you cannot control.

And that absolutely can and has happened, in the past, but you take it on before it’s actually set in stone, and live your life afraid of the future, and what the opposing side will do to you.

(I don’t mean all this as necessarily someone who is reading this does that, though it’s possible, I mean to the grander audience of people who complain in general)

Now, it may be no one knows what to do. But why not just admit that and start praying? Why must me insist on being so arrogant that we will deny just how clueless we really are, and refuse to seek wisdom, to study how it was done in the past, and how real changes were actually made.

I am so sick of the Self Pity. How dare we feel sorry for ourselves when we have the most freedom to control our fate, and people would kill for that in oppressed countries. And they must look at us in amazement at how scared we are.

Believe me, I get scared by the corruption too, but I have not yet been convinced that I am helpless. There are measures still open to me, and at the very least, if I can change nothing, I can at least choose not to compromise.

We asked for this. We really did. And we didn’t try to stop it. Why? Because we decided we liked anger, we liked hatred, we liked ignorance.

And I am not talking about racism or bigotry as the media defines it, I mean the pure corruption in this country that people can’t stop whining about, just as if they didn’t all contribute to it.

It’s like the Hunger Games, if nobody watched it, this gruesome, sick, charade couldn’t keep going.

69 The Hunger Games HD Wallpapers | Background Images - Wallpaper Abyss

So why do we watch it?

Part of the point of that saga is not that people will necessarily force kids to fight for food in a post apocalyptic future, it’s that people will accept evil that they do not have to accept, if it’s entertaining. That people will be fooled into thinking they can do nothing about it, if they are shown something as normal, and as supported by rich, privileged higher ups. Who in turn think they can do nothing, because people pay them for this.

That’s why things are this way this year.

And all the whining about how awful it is is not going to change a thing, that’s part of the problem. You do realize that the facade literally depends on us complaining about it instead of actually trying to improve our own lives.

I’ll tell you, if we all tried to improve our own lives alone, we’d have changed this country years ago, let alone if we tried to help out others.

That’s what Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness means, guys. The freedom to pursue the best life for yourself possible, whatever the confines of your situation are. People cam to America with nothing and became rich, not because they had “privileges” but because they believed they could change their situation.

Despite many bad legal decisions in the last few decades, that is still true and has not yet quite disappeared, though many foolish people are trying to remove it.

I don’t have a plan to fix this country, nor do I necessarily think it will be fixed, because I am much more concerned with individuals and how they think, and feel.

I am just using politics as an example because it’s an obvious one, but what I’m saying applies to all areas of life.

Just stop. Stop commenting on everything. Stop complaining about everything.

Stop talking about how corrupt our leaders are, you’re the one who even watches the news to get told who to vote for, why are you surprised when they make a sensation, that’s what you asked for, because you like feeling stirred up (nobody who doesn’t like that watches the news, trust me.)

Guess what, there are other candidates who dion’t get coverage at all, do you bother looking into them?

Stop trying to sound smart.

Stop trying to diagnose the problem.

Stop thinking that talking about it is a solution.

Like, raising awareness, what is the point of raising awareness? It stops nothing. It only intimates people who might actually do the right thing if it wasn’t shoved in their faces how terrible they are for not doing it.

But, hey, no one has to listen to me. I know that. I know that I am talking to myself here as much as anyone. But this is the best advice I could give myself. Like Portia and Alice, I don’t always follow it, easy to say, not easy to do.

But even so, I am learning.

The real reason the Bible advises us not to get too concerned with world events is because Jesus knew just how much of a trap it is, trying to fix the world that cannot be fixed, and getting sucked into the void of trying to find the perfect solution that doesn’t exist.

Because Jesus is and always will be the only Perfect Solution to anything and everything. And he cannot be controlled by us and our efforts, though he may use them.

I think, in the end, many people my age wouldn’t even argue with me that there is no real answer in this world, they just lack the hope that there is a better world with the answer that we can be a part of.

Which saddens me. The only real way to prevent despair is to hope in something that cannot be taken away by the world’s circumstances.

Christians get flack for focusing on what is unseen, and what is often vague and hard to understand, on a distant Heavenly future instead of solving the present problems.

But remember Christianity was founded under a wold dominion, a time when a human solution to the problem seemed impossible. That was why it was so clear why Heaven had to be the answer.

Because God’s kingdom must be untouchable by man’s rules or ways, or it is weak and empty, just like our own. So it can’t be an earthly kingdom. No earthly kingdom is permanent, if you set your hope in that, you might as well despair now.

So, to wrap this up, my final thought it that I will hate to see my world collapses around me, and I hope it doesn’t for a very long time, but I now it will, sooner or later, and when it happens, I want to find the rock under my feet was always something that the world couldn’t take away from me, because it wasn’t o f the world to begin with.

And I encourage people to think about that, as this year draws to a close. You lost a lot more than you expected, but what did you find unshakable? If there was nothing, then maybe you built your life on the wrong thing to begin with.

Until next time, stay honest–Natasha.